In the “old days”, when God was an Englishman who loved to watch
cricket, those who attended church could be sure of a robust sermon
promising “fire and brimstone” delivered from the pulpit by a crusty
old vicar.
However, in Nanny's Britain, such a verbal ear bashing is now rather unlikely.
For why?
Nanny's
chums from the local council's health and safety orifice have decreed
that the pulpit in the Church of All Saints, in Wyke Regis Weymouth,
presents a clear and present danger to the health of the vicar.
The
church has been forced to draw up guidelines after being warned by
council officials that the pulpit is “dangerous”, and that preachers
might be injured while climbing its seven spiral stone steps.
In
case you are wondering about the safety record of the church, it was
built in 1172 and the pulpit was added in the 16th century; there have
been no recorded injuries to any member of the clergy mounting the pulpit during this time.
One wonders quite how mankind has survived before Nanny's health and safety Gestapo were created!
Notwithstanding the unblemished safety record, Nanny insists that a modern handrail be added to the pulpit.
As an alternative, churchwarden Gary Hepburn drew up his own safety guidelines.
These
state that no one under the influence of drink or drugs will be allowed
to use the pulpit. The steps shall not be approached in dim lighting,
by anyone with poor vision or wearing bifocals, or by anyone feeling
unwell.
Those entering or leaving the pulpit are advised to make
maximum use of the structure itself, and the stone column supporting it
to steady themselves.
You will be pleased to know that the
inspectors from the environmental health department of Weymouth and
Portland Borough Council have been mollified by these guidelines, Mr
Hepburn happens to be a health and safety consultant.
He said:
“The
issues were raised when a visit was carried out by council officials on
behalf of the Health and Safety Executive. They were looking at the
building and its use in relation to the dangers that might be present
in a workplace, which is not comparing like with like, in my humble
opinion.
The most contentious item was the pulpit and there was
no way the church authorities were going to allow a horrible plastic
and metal handrail to be installed, so we had to try an alternative
tack.
In my professional capacity, I knew the type of things
that needed to be said to reassure the inspectors and the way in which
they should be expressed.
Fortunately my Safe System Of Work
pamphlet was successful and normal service has been resumed – although
I must admit even my faith was sorely tested at one stage.”
What a waste of time and money!
Nanny is determined to destroy our cultural heritage, and the fabric of our society.
For this and hundreds more side splitting examples of how Nanny and her 'elf and safety' Gestapo operate go visit the excellent Nanny Knows Best website.
Nanny really is a comedian, we are sure that all elf and safety operatives must now attend 'diverse comedy courses' before being let loose on the public. Treat them with the contempt they deserve, a real joke.
