Gordon Brown's speech to Conference

Gordon Brown has delivered his first speech to Conference as leader of the Labour Party. Whilst he was delivering this very slow boring tirade of bullshite to the now subdued and subjugated party, I wondered what was going through his mind. This is what I think he may have been thinking.

Honoured and humbled by the trust you have given me, I speak to you for the first time at our Conference as Prime Minister and Leader of this Party.

 

I do not feel humbled at all and am speaking to you today as the Boss, an un-elected Prime Minster and Leader of a weak Party because no-one had the balls to stand against me.

I have already silenced the constituency parties and unions by refusing to allow 96 of the 120 resolutions to be heard. So listen up.

No one could have foreseen all the events that Britain has been through since June.

 

Yes they could, because apart from the rain we probably planned most of them.

But tested again and again the resilience of the British people has been powerful proof of the character of our country.

 

Which I have been using to my own political advantage for 10 years.

Early on a June morning, two cars were found parked and packed with explosives in Haymarket, London.

 

Well not really explosives, just propane gas cylinders, which are designed not to explode, even if cooked in a fire for several hours, which the experts have told us would probably not have killed anyone if they had gone off,  just made one hell of a bang and taken the roof of the cars off, but its always worth hyping it up and keeping everyone terrified.

They were put there to bring terror and death to men and women who would do nothing wrong but be out with their friends, walk on our streets and visit our capital.

But from the bomb disposal experts who courageously risked their lives, to the Londoners who defiantly went on with their lives, that day the world witnessed the resolve and strength of the British people.

And when the terrorists tried to attack Scotland’s biggest airport, they were answered by the courage of the police and firefighters and a baggage handler named John Smeaton. He came to the aid of a policeman under assault from one of the terrorists.

Later John told me it was instinctive, he was doing what was right.

That man, that hero John Smeaton is here with us today and on behalf of our country – John, we thank you.

 

Every citizen who answered the call of the country – policemen and women, our security and emergency services, our health services – all left their mark on this island’s story by keeping us safe. They are the pride of Britain.

 

There, I said it. This is the only honest thing that’s going to be said today.

Just as our armed services with bravery and heroism every single day also make us proud. We mourn those who have been lost and we honour all those who in distant places of danger give so much to our country.

 

You might be proud of them, but I need them out of the way until we have finished ripping Britain apart. We mourn them so much that I cannot see why I need to put any more money into replacing the vehicles they keep losing or get them vehicles that would stop them getting killed in the first place. We are so busy ripping everyone off that I don’t even need to get the Part-time Defence Minister to go to any of the funerals.

It was in these early weeks, in the wake of the worst flooding in almost 150 years, in county after county, we saw British people pull on their boots and pull out their boats to rescue neighbours and strangers.

 

And we did as little as possible to help them, so save money.

And together they went to work to clean up the streets, sweep out the shops and reopen the schools. Long after the waters have receded the memory of their quiet strength remains.

 

They had to do it on their own, because I’ve got all the services overseas out of the way.

They too showed the character of Britain: communities where buildings can be damaged and even destroyed but our spirit is indestructible. They too make us proud of the extraordinary resilience of ordinary British people.

And then on an early August morning in Surrey, a farmer went out to tend to his livestock and what he saw terrified him, made him remember back to 2001 when all across our countryside clouds of smoke scarred the sky and for many in farms and villages, family dreams were turned to ash.

 

We were determined to get the ones that were left after the 2001 outbreak, because the European plan does not see England as a self sufficient livestock producing land.

During the outbreak this summer, our vets, scientists, and public officials in DEFRA cancelled their holidays. To fight the contagion farmers worked day and night. And they have done it all over again this month and continue to do so. Their actions live out our shared understanding that our countryside is more than the space that surrounds, it is the oxygen for our towns and cities.

 

The farmers worked night and day, but the vets and Defra were all on 40 hours a week, no overtime. The virus came from our labs so we had to contain the press as our first priority.

And in order to be the country we should be, Britain must protect and cherish not just our cities, but our countryside too.

Isn’t the countryside nice, but there’s still too many cows in it for my liking.

And as we saw again this summer there is no Scotland-only, no Wales-only, no England-only answer to the spread of disease or to terrorist attacks that can strike at any time, anywhere in any part of our country. And sharing this same small island, we will meet our environmental, economic and security challenges not by splitting apart but when we as Great Britain stand united together.

 

There, that got rid of the Northern Ireland problem without actually saying it.

So my sense of talking to people in all parts of these islands is that instead of leaving us pessimistic, these three months make us more optimistic about what we the British people at our best can do.

Although come to think of it, the only people I’ve spoken to over the last 3 months are children when I do the photo calls at the schools. Hmm, lots of those.

Our response was calm and measured. We simply got on with the job.

 

Well you lot did, my lot were rubbish but we cant go telling you that can we.

Britain has been tested and not found wanting.

 

Damn, they still seem to have some fighting spirit left in them, but another few years will change all that.

This is who we are.

And there is no weakness in Britain today that cannot be overcome by the strengths of the British people.

So don’t let anyone tell us Britain is not equal to every challenge.

 

Now to feed them the bullshite..

We all know that in our society we do have real problems to solve, real needs to meet, but don’t let anyone tell us – the British people – that this country of ours, which has over centuries given so much to the world, has ever been broken by anyone or anything.

I am proud to be British.

 

No I’m not, I’m Scottish and proud of it, I even signed a bit of paper to say that everything I did would be to promote the furtherance of Scotland to the detriment of all others.

I believe in British values.

My father and my mother taught me about family and the great virtues of hard work, doing your duty and always trying to do the right thing.

And I have never forgotten my father telling me to “treat everyone equally with respect”.

 

His optimism led him to find goodness in everyone.

 

Not for me matey, I want power, and riches, and I’m going to get them…whatever it takes.


My father was a minister of the church, and his favourite story was the parable of the talents because he believed – and I do too – that each and everyone of us has a talent and each and everyone of us should be able to use that talent.

And the values I was brought up with are not just what I learned; they are part of the fabric of the life I have led.

 

Just throw in a bit of religious stirring here, just for our multicultural members, because these were my fathers beliefs, but maybe not yours.

Not just where I come from but the experiences that have shaped me.

I attended the local state primary school in Kirkcaldy a few streets away from where I lived - and then I took the school bus to the local secondary school up the hill.

 

That’s before we got rid of the schools buses.

And I have school friends I have kept in touch with all my life who have shared the good times and comforted me in the bad times.

Today I have the greatest privilege of all - to have been chosen by them to represent in Parliament the place where we all grew up together.

 

Not sure I can bank on that next time round however.

The office where I hold my constituency surgeries is just across the road – a few yards from the house where I lived as a child.

I benefited from great and dedicated teachers.

 

Something the kids of today will never experience, our programmes will ensure that our new teachers will teach them politics and propaganda in a way I could only dream of as a student.

And I was fortunate enough to get to university.

 

But in Scotland its free right, see, for the benefit of Scotland, so they can be taught even more socialist politics.

But as a teenager I saw close friends of mine who might have gone to college or an apprenticeship or to university who never did.

I know some could not to afford to stay on at school.

For others, their potential had never been nurtured.

 

The fact they were probably not good enough for higher education  is irrelevant.

When they heard about further education, they thought, or their parents thought, it was not for people like them.

And the reason I am here – the real reason I am here – is that I want their children and their grandchildren whom I also represent to have all the chances that were not available to my school friends when we were growing up.

That’s the reason I am here: I want the best of chances for all families.

 

Well, the Scottish ones anyway.

So what first made me want to do something in public service?

 

I thought, that looks easy, just telling people what to do, how to live. Loads of money and whatever you can get away with.

I don’t recall all the sermons my father preached Sunday after Sunday.

But I will never forget these words he left me with: “we must be givers as well as getters”.

Put something back.

And by doing so make a difference.

 

Hee hee, well we certainly have. Pity the English are unlikely to recover from it.

And this is my moral compass.

This is who I am.

I am a conviction politician.

 

I probably will be if they ever find out everything I’ve done.

I stand for a Britain where everyone should rise as far as their talents can take them and then the talents of each of us should contribute to the well being of all.

 

Hey, that sounds good doesn’t it.

I stand for a Britain where all families who work hard can build a better life for themselves and their children.

 

There must be some more ways to take your money first, if not we’ll just wait until you die and get it then.

I stand for a Britain where every young person who has it in them to study at college or university should not be prevented by money from doing so.

 

Or I will put them into the youth corps, build my own version of the military, who will be loyal only to me.

I stand for a Britain where public services exist for the patient, the pupil, the people who are to be served.

 

Provided that they can be watched, monitored, supervised and evaluated. Can’t have civil servants handing out services willy nilly can we.

I stand for a Britain where it is a mark of citizenship that you should learn our language and traditions.

 

If only the European Commission would let me do it.

I stand for a Britain where we expect responsibility at every level of society.

 

Oops, must be careful here, must remember to exclude politicians.

I stand for a Britain that defends its citizens and both punishes crime and prevents it by dealing with the root causes.

 

One day perhaps, but at the moment I need the chaos to continue.

I stand for a Britain where because this earth is on loan to us from future generations, we must all be stewards of the environment.

 

Ho ho ho, more taxes, scrummy.

So I stand for a Britain where we all have obligations to each other and by fulfilling them, everyone has the chance to make the most of themselves.

 

If they manage to drag themselves out of mire I have created, or win the lottery.

And these are the principles which I believe can guide us as we, the British people, meet all the new challenges ahead: global economic competition, the terrorist and security threat, climate change, the yearning for stronger communities, the pressures to balance work and family life, and most of all - something you can hear and sense in every part of the country - the rising aspirations of the British people.

 

Yawn. Little bit of drum beating here just to wake them up.

Our purpose has always been to be the party of progressive change.

Once our struggle was to secure minimum standards, then to extend opportunity.

 

I couldn’t believe how easy it was to get the minimum standards down so low.

But we need to be honest: today the rising aspirations of the British people summon us to set a new direction.

 

Yeah, some of you have cottoned on to what we doing, so we have had to change some of our plans.

As the world changes so we must change too.

And I believe that when you get something right, you build on it. But part of experience and judgement is to recognise that when you fall short, you listen, you learn and then you are confident enough to change.

 

Or in our case just ignore the whinging and carry on regardless.

In Britain today too many still cannot rise as far as their talents can take them.

Yet this is the century where our country cannot afford to waste the talents of anyone.

Up against the competition of two billion people in China and India, we need to unlock all the talent we have.

 

Just you wait and see, we will have sweat shops in Britain just as good, if not better than those in China and India. That’s what immigration is for, it the economy.

In the last century the question was can we afford to do this?
In the face of economic challenge, I say: in this century we cannot afford not to.
And the country that brings out the best in all its people will be the great success story of the global age.

 

Ha ha, keep them immigrants coming.

Now think of the communities from where we have travelled here to Bournemouth. How many young people - young boys in particular - fail to develop the potential they have?

We will turn them into good soldiers eventually.

How many women still come up against a glass ceiling that blocks their advance?

 

That reminds me, must build more lesbian centers.

How many men and women who hope to move up the ladder in mid career are deprived of the chance to upgrade their skills and jobs?

How much talent that could flourish is lost through a poverty of aspiration: wasted not because young talents fail to reach the stars but because they grow up with no stars to reach for?

And how many of our youngest children are still deprived of the early learning they need.

Why should we accept so many children destined to fail even before their life’s journey has begun?

 

Give me your children. The state know what’s best for your children.

So this is the next chapter in our progress. The next stage of our country’s long journey to build the strong and fair society.

I want a Britain where there is no longer any ceiling on where your talents and hard work can take you.

 

We will all be part of the greater Europe soon anyway, hope they bought all this bullshite..

Where what counts is not what where you come from and who you know, but what you aspire to and have it in yourself to become.

Past generations unlocked just some of the talents of some of the people.

In the new Britain of this generation, we must unlock all the talents of all of the people.

Not the old equality of outcome that discounts hard work and effort.

Not the old version of equality of opportunity – the rise of an exclusive meritocracy where only some can succeed and others are forever condemned to fail.

But a genuinely meritocratic Britain, a Britain of all the talents.

Where all are encouraged to aim high.

And all by their effort can rise.

 

As far as Brussels will let them anyway. Only the chosen ones will go anywhere.

A Britain of aspiration and also a Britain of mutual obligation where all play our part and recognise the duties we owe to each other.

New Labour: now the party of aspiration and community. Not just occupying but shaping and expanding the centre ground. A strong Britain; a fairer Britain.

Putting people and their potential first.

 

Well, we have to make it sound good. Once we have all the children tagged, fingerprinted, monitored and evaluated, we can choose the ones who will go on to better things.

You know, there was another day in the past few months, one that did not make the news.

 

Quite surprising that, must speak to someone about it, I have told them that ALL my school visits are to be reported.

It was a day I went to Hackney to Lauriston Primary School where I met a six year old boy called Max.

We walked through the library and then the classrooms. He sat with his teacher, Eddie O’Brien, and me.

He had a book in his hand and his hair was a little uncombed - which as far as I am concerned may be a good sign.

Max had been falling behind at school, struggling to read. But because of the ‘Every Child a Reader’ programme, he was now receiving one to one coaching, and he wanted to read us a story.

He did brilliantly as he read from a gripping narrative about “The Gingerbread Man” and he smiled as he finished.

In that classroom our mission for change was as clear and strong as the words being read by Max.

What he was really telling us is that every child has potential if given the chance.

Today in education, private schools offer one to one tuition. But why shouldn’t all pupils and not just some benefit from extra personal help?

 

Pity they don’t have teachers of the like of mine, then there wouldn’t be a problem. But then if there weren’t any problems we wouldn’t have anything to pretend to fix..

And because I want every child to be a reader, every child to be able to count, we have decided that one-to-one tuition will be there in our schools not just for Max, but for 300,000 children in English and 300,000 in maths.

 

Nice number that 300,000. Think I might use that again later.

And because we want to unlock all the potential, not just the three R’s, for every pupil as we look ahead with pride to the Olympics we aim for the first time for five hours a week sport and time for arts and music too.

 

We need to get the athletes from somewhere, we seem to have let training facilities drop through the net somewhere, or did I scrap the grants a few years ago.

So whenever we see talent under-developed; aspirations unfulfilled; potential wasted; obstacles to be removed; this is where we – new Labour - will be.

Hear me when I say: No matter where you come from. No matter your background. No matter what school you go to. My message, our message, is and must be: if you try hard, we will help you make the most of your talents.

So for every secondary pupil a personal tutor throughout their school years - and starting with 600,000 pupils, small group tuition too.

 

See, I can add up.

Learning personal to each pupil.

Education available to all – not one size fits all but responding to individual needs.

This is the future for our public services. Accessible to all, personal to you. Not just a basic standard but the best quality tailored to your needs. Education is my passion.

Individual brain washing, hey, we have the technology.

And as we expand specialist, trust and academy schools it’s also time to make the biggest change in education in decades, a ten year children’s plan to make our schools, colleges and universities world class.

 

I do have to thank Uncle Joe for developing the concept of the 10 year plan.

Instead of education from 5 to 16, we will be offering free universal education to every child – from nursery school at 3 to advanced studies or training right up to 18.

 

Hang on, that’s only one and a half 10 year plans. Oops.

In just one decade we are doing what no government has ever done: moving the right to education from 11 years free education to 15 years.

But we will only make the most of this if every teenager who leaves at 18 can graduate with a good qualification.

 

More degrees for McDonalds staff.

So for every apprentice, a certificate of completion. For every college or school student, A-levels and diplomas and for all a clear pathway into skilled work. And we offer teenagers national youth community service - I want every young person in Britain to be able to say: this is my country. I contribute to it. I help make it better.

It’s wrong that anybody should be put off going to college or university by the fear it will cost too much.

So when the big new changes we are now making are fully in place, 300,000 students will receive full grants. 600,000 – that’s two thirds of students - will have grants. That’s the change: more students with grants than at any time in the history of university education.

 

And I want to build great big universities like they have in Moscow, but that can wait for now.

And to those who say more going to university must mean worse standards, let us stand up for opportunity. In many other countries the majority of young people now go to university. In Britain just 42 per cent; just 10 per cent from low income backgrounds. So for 16 year olds from low income families who stay on at school, we will make a new five year offer - we will finance you through college or university, right through to 21.

 

There are lots of English that we can tax for this, 80pct of the UK’s population.

Merit rewarded in a Britain not divided by class but united by aspiration. Showing a class-free society is not a slogan but in Britain can become a reality.

Every fifty seconds in Britain a child is born.

Who knows what might happen to that child? Who knows if they could someday start a thriving business, become a proud nurse, a good football player, or a great scientist? Who knows if they will exceed all of their parents’ hopes to see them get on, have a good job and a loving family?

So every child deserves the best possible start in life.

We have lifted 600,000 children out of poverty. We are doubling child benefits. We have trebled maternity allowances. And 6 million families now benefit from the Child Tax Credit.

 

And once we have you in the tax/benefits trap, we will make sure  you wont be able to get out of it.

None of this happened before a Labour Government.

But we are not satisfied.

 

Ohh no, we want you all in the tax/benefits system.

And the Pre Budget Report will set out our next steps because our goal for this generation is to abolish child poverty and let me reaffirm that goal today.

And I say to the children of two parent families, one parent families, foster parent families; to the widow bringing up children: I stand for a Britain that supports as first class citizens not just some children and some families but supports all children and all families.

We all remember that biblical saying: “suffer the little children to come unto me.” No Bible I have ever read says: “bring just some of the children.”

 

Jeez, they must be thinking I’m a God by now…

Because no child should ever be written off, for mothers of infants, we will expand the help of nurse-family partnerships.

And for families and teenagers in trouble, new one-to-one support led by the voluntary sector that, up and down the country, we know can make all the difference.

 

That way I don’t have to pay the NHS to do anything. Not sure where I’m going to get all the volunteers from though. Oh, hang on, I’ll make it dependant on them getting their benefits.

And because its unfair to the children that fathers walk away from their responsibilities, we will insist on new powers to name absent fathers on birth certificates and to pay their share: maintenance deducted from benefits as we return them to work.

 

I’m just making the assumption that all absent fathers are on benefits for good effect, because we know where those ones are, nice easy targets.

And let me also say that I am now understanding the daily pressures all families and all parents are under to do everything on time: make breakfast, get the kids to school with their homework done, make sure no one forgets their P.E. kit or a school play rehearsal. And of course fit in your own life and work and make sure it all fits in 24 hours.

 

And once I have sorted out everyone’s time schedules for each day, I’ll make sure the trains run on time.

I have heard the call for change and we must respond to the rising aspirations of parents.

Because we, a Labour government, introduced six months paid maternity leave, the take up has risen from 25 per cent to 90 per cent. And so it is right this year to raise it to nine months for all mothers on the road to 12 months paid maternity leave.

 

Don’t worry, the English taxes wont dry up for a while yet.

All this is part of the revolution in services for parents and the under fives: now 7,000 extended schools, moving from zero to 3,500 sure start children’s centres, the doubling of nursery education – two-thirds of a million more child care places.

 

We really do have to get the kids early if we want to raise the next generation of good socialist citizens.

This is the next stage in the transformation of public services. Our aim high quality care not just available to some but to all and tailored to parents needs when they need it and at a price they can afford.

 

Oh yes, your going to have to pay extra for it, I need to get that benefit money back somehow.

A growing number of parents who care for their children now also care for elderly relatives. I want our new carers commission to hear the call for change from millions of carers – and this government will now do more for respite care, for training of carers, for better pension rights and to give new priority to caring for disabled children.

And I pay tribute to our Deputy Leader Harriet Harman who by her campaigning work is pioneering this cause of equality. No discrimination on the basis of race, gender, sexuality, age, or faith. And no discrimination against the disabled.

 

In exactly the same way that there was no discrimination when she should have gone to court over her unpaid fines.

We know that all parents are under more than the pressure of time.

Today amongst the biggest influences on children are the Internet, TV, commercial advertising. And like many parents I feel I’m struggling to set the boundaries so that children can be safe – and that’s why we have asked Dr Tanya Byron to look at how families can make the most of the opportunities new technology gives while doing our duty to protect children from harmful material.

 

We will probably use the ID card to limit their time on internet, and we will begin to make further inroads into putting more political and environmental content into children’s TV, just to top up what they have learned in school.

And to honour those who raised us, I can affirm our commitment to restore the link between the Basic State Pension and earnings.

 

Hmm, cant remember if we have any pension money left, must ask Darling.

It’s time also to make public services personal to the needs of the elderly: more control over personal social care budgets; more choice managing chronic care; a wider range of services from home helps to district nurses. Better personal care so that older people can choose to stay in their own homes.

 

If we can make more people die at home, I can shut more hospices AND collect on the death duties on their houses. Double wammy.

I want to ensure for all those who have served the community all their lives – respect, dignity and security in old age.

 

Except soldiers, we must not mention the solders.

And everything we build -- we build on a strong foundation of economic stability.

Our commitment to stability has been tested again and again over ten years: the Asian crisis; the Russian crisis; the American recession; the trebling of oil prices. And in the last month a wave of financial turbulence that started in America and then Germany and has impacted on all countries including the United Kingdom and tested the stability of our financial system.

 

God, I am a dramatist aren’t I. The Russian crisis eh.

Yesterday Alistair Darling set out how we will continue to respond with the same calm vigilance that he has demonstrated over recent weeks.

And it is because of the strength of the British economy that we are able to steer a path of low inflation, low interest rates and stable growth.

Well, until Northern Rock has to pay its dividends anyway.

Ten years ago before a Labour government we were 7th in the G7 for income per head. Now we are second only to the USA - above Germany, above France, above Italy, above Japan, above Canada - with the longest uninterrupted period of economic growth in the history of our country.

And in Britain where once there were three million unemployed, there are today more men and women in jobs than ever in our history - for the first time over 29 million people in work.

 

Did yer see how I did that. Yes there are more people in work, because of all the immigrants, but the unemployment level is up to 3 million. It is so easy to fool people, just like a magician.

And we will continue to intensify the reform of the new deal, remove every barrier, show we can have flexibility and fairness together to advance to a Britain of full employment in our generation.

 

Based on my figures, of course. If they start to get a bit scary again, I’ll just change the criteria, like I used to do at the Treasury.

And we will build on one of the greatest achievements of our Labour and trade union movement – the National Minimum Wage. Next week we will again raise the National Minimum Wage to £5.52 an hour and because we will do more for vulnerable workers, in all companies and in all places the minimum wage will be enforced without exception.

 

Its just too easy!!, where they get paid the extra, I take it back in tax, then pay it out again in reduced benefits, and claw it back in car parking, nursery places and the like, but everyone thinks they getting a good deal. I will eventually get everyone in the tax/benefits cycle.

And next week for the first time on top of holiday entitlement 4 days paid public holidays guaranteed.

 

Well, father did say I had to be a giver as well as a taker. They are public holidays after all.

We should take pride that, under a Labour government, Britain - this small number of people on this small island - is the fifth largest economy in the world.

 

The fact that all of ours is on borrowed money is totally irrelevant.

As we set out on the next stage of our journey this is our vision: Britain leading the global economy – by our skills and creativity, by our enterprise and flexibility, by our investment in transport and infrastructure – a world leader in science; a world leader in financial and business services; a world leader in energy and the environment from nuclear to renewables; a world leader in the creative industries; and yes – modern manufacturing too – drawing on the talents of all to create British jobs for British workers.

 

They still keep believing this gumpf. They still don’t realise the European Commission wont let me do this. I have to let any European have British jobs.

There is another aspiration I have heard across the country.

I’ve met too many young couples who’ve told me - we work hard, we save, we play by the rules, we want to get on and yet we can’t afford to buy or even rent our first home.

 

And most of those are still in India….

So we plan to help first time buyers and we will increase house-building to 240,000 new homes a year - in places and ways that respect our green spaces and the environment. My aim by 2010 two million more homeowners than in 1997.

Now lets see if I can still add up. I hand out 375,000 overseas work permits just to those from India every year, have done now for 10 years, so how many years can I keep bringing in the immigrants before we run out of houses again.

Silly buggers still believe that there are only 1.5 million immigrants here.

And for the first time in nearly half a century we will show the imagination to build new towns - eco-towns with low and zero carbon homes. And today because of the response we have received we are announcing that instead of just 5 new eco towns, we will now aim for ten eco towns ---- building thousands of new homes in every region of the country.

 

Lets see if my basic science is any good. If we rip up the countryside to build 10 new towns, and those new towns are zero carbon, I wonder if any of the trees will grow.

And for affordable housing and for social housing we will now invest £8 billion. This will mean a 50 per cent increase in funds for social housing. I call on all housing associations and councils of all political parties not only to support shared equity for first time buyers, but to help us build more social homes for rent, more homes for key workers and more homes to cut the unacceptable levels of overcrowding. Good homes to rent and buy for the British people.

God, I wish I could get away with just building prefabs like they did just after the war.

A strong Britain is a Britain of strong communities where by accepting our mutual obligations to each other we can make our homes, our streets and our neighbourhoods safe.

Not while I’ve got all the coppers tied up doing paperwork they can’t.

Those who choose to disobey the laws of our land - their crimes, the pain they inflict, that danger and immorality - threaten the rights and security of every citizen.

 

Yup, that’s the plan, eventually it will get so bad that I’ll have to create a new paramilitary police force, and then affiliate it to the new European one, the EGF.

No parent should ever have to endure the suffering of the family of Rhys Jones, the young boy callously murdered in Liverpool on Wednesday August 22nd.

And the reason the people of Britain have been so shocked is that amongst the vast majority of us there is an abhorrence of guns in our society.

That is why we took the right decision to ban handguns. And now we need to deal with the illegal supply of guns.

Two thirds of deaths from gun crime occur in just four cities. In the last few weeks Jacqui Smith and I have focussed on the specific areas in these cities where as I saw on Saturday at first hand the police will now: match intensive uniformed patrolling and extensive undercover work; with the use of stop and search powers and dispersal powers; reinforced by new hand-held weapon detectors; and all backed up at a national level by the work of the organised crime agency and our border force rigorously targeting and stopping the illegal entry of guns.

My answer to crime and disorder - our policy - is to both punish and prevent.

 

Yeah, punish you first then prevent you from trying again.

To punish: for anyone over 18 illegally carrying a gun, a five-year sentence.

To prevent: in our schools intensive education warning about guns and knives and teachers encouraged to use new powers to confiscate weapons. And in our communities ex gang members helping us pull young people out of gangs.

To punish the evil of drug pushers who poison our children: I want the tough new powers that have already closed over one thousand crack houses in some areas of the country to be used in all areas of the country.

And to encourage local police to use new powers to confiscate drug profits, more of the confiscated funds will go direct to the police and local communities.

To prevent addiction: we will extend drug education and expand drug treatment and we will send out a clear message that drugs are never going to be decriminalised.

There are now 139,000 police officers and 16,000 Community Support Officers – more officers than ever before.

 

Those Health and Safety people are doing such a good job with those PCSO’s.

And by April 7th next year, every community will have its own neighbourhood policing team. And I can announce that we will provide hand held computers - 1,000 now, by next year 10,000 right across the country – cutting paper work so that officers can log crimes on the spot, stay on the beat and not waste time returning to the station to fill out forms.

 

We will get you wherever you are hahaha…all of you…

So yes we will strengthen the police. Yes we will strengthen our laws. But preventing crime for me also means all of us as a community setting boundaries between what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour – with clear penalties for stepping over the line.

 

I should have said ‘stepping out of line’. If I can criminalise everyone, for anything, then the police know everything about everyone, and when they step out of line, they are easier to find.

Boundaries that reflect the words I was taught when I was young – words upon which we all know strong communities are founded: discipline, respect, responsibility.

Bullying is unacceptable – and unacceptable too is disrupting a classroom.

So to punish: we will give teachers the support they need to exclude.

 

Hmm, that kind of blows a hole in my no child left behind scheme, hope no-one notices.

To prevent: parents held accountable – fined if they fail to supervise. And so that these young people are not left to hang around street corners, councils and authorities obligated to maintain their education and supervision.

Binge drinking and underage drinking that disrupt neighbourhoods are unacceptable.

 

Like Westminster, haha.

To punish: let me tell the shops that repeatedly sell alcohol to those who are under age – we will take your licences away.

Well we will when ID cards are compulsory to buy alcohol.

To prevent: councils should use new powers to ban alcohol in trouble spots and I call on the industry to do more to advertise the dangers of teenage drinking.

I’ve met young people and pensioners alike who say they want to feel safe when they go out but also that young people need somewhere to go and something to do.

 

Pity kids don’t like ping pong and youth clubs like when I was young.

So respect must be a two way street.

As we take action against anti-social behaviour, so too we must take action that could transform our communities, by providing the kind of facilities young people want and need.

So we will use unclaimed assets in dormant bank accounts to build new youth centres, and we will invest over £670 million pounds so that in every community there are places for young people to go. With youth budgets let us say to young people: for the first time you will have a say over how the money is spent.

And if its not spent on ping pong and youth clubs you wont be getting it.

I believe we have not done enough in the last ten years to emphasise that in return for the rights we all have, there are responsibilities we all owe.

New rights to better health care but you have to show up and not miss your appointment. New rights to educational maintenance allowances but you have to show you are working hard. New rights to higher maternity allowances but you have to meet with a health visitor. The right for company boards to make their own decisions, but obligations to the rest of society too. And an understanding that if you come to our country you not only learn our language and culture: you must play by the rules.

These people still believe that I can grant them rights. Who’s the daddy.

In July I announced a new unified border force. And already the first elements are in place - a stronger uniformed presence at ports, customs officers targeting illegal immigration, stronger security checks at passport control, by next year ID cards for foreign nationals and we will start to count people in and out.

 

We did buy the uniforms, that’ll scare the illegal’s.

And we will move forward with our new Australian-style points-based approach to immigration. So Britain will continue to benefit from skilled workers from abroad and they will understand their responsibilities to earn the right to settle in Britain.

But let me be clear any newcomer to Britain who is caught selling drugs or using guns will be thrown out. No-one who sells drugs to our children or uses guns has the right to stay in our country.

 

Unless they are from Europe, then I cant, even though I will keep telling you that I will.

And to achieve a Britain of mutual obligation, I am convinced that we need a new kind of politics.

 

Hope those Libertarians don’t form a new party, that could bugger everything up.

I continue to reach out to all those who work hard and play by the rules, who believe in strong families and a patriotic Britain who may have supported other parties but who like me want to defend and advance British values and our way of life.

 

I’ve only got till 2010 to make this a one party state, so keep defecting.

All of the challenges we have to face can only be met by listening to and involving the British people themselves. And I have no doubt that the best answer to disengagement from our democracy is to renew our democracy.

 

Socialist democracy is such fun. You only get 1 candidate at elections, its so simple.

And that means more change:

Change to make the executive more accountable. That’s why parliament will make the final decisions about peace and war;

 

Until the EU takes over.

Change to strengthen our liberties to uphold the freedom of speech, freedom of information and the freedom to protest;

Except around Parliament, and where I live in Downing St, and lots of other places that we haven’t told you about yet and we only going to let you have information about what we want you to know.

Change to strengthen local democracy with new powers for economic development and bus services and I pay tribute to the work of our local Labour councillors across the country.

 

Got to thank them, I need them on side for the time being.

Change within our own party, now for the first time to decide our policy one member one vote;

 

But they can only vote on what I decide needs to be voted on.

And yes: change to the House of Lords - and we will in our manifesto commit to introduce the principle of elections for the second chamber.

Perhaps the biggest challenge for the new politics is to show how we as a community can join together to safeguard the environment, to turn the silent, rising tide of global warming.

 

I’m getting one of those King Canute moments.

And I am proud that Britain will now become the first country in the world to write into law binding limits on carbon emissions. But I am not satisfied: so I am asking the new independent climate change committee to report on whether the 60 per cent reduction in emissions by 2050, which is already bigger than most other countries, should be even stronger still.

 

That should keep that raving loon Al Gore off my back for a few years, then its up to the EU anyway.

And by investing in energy efficiency, renewables, carbon capture, clean fuels and new environmental technologies, I want Britain to lead in carbon-free vehicles, carbon-free homes and carbon-free industry. And I want the new green technologies of the future to be the source of British jobs in British businesses.

 

What I really really want is a new train set for Christmas.

And I commit to work tirelessly for a new post-Kyoto UN climate change agreement with - yes - to help the poorest, binding targets for all the richest countries.

And let me say: we in Britain cannot be good stewards of the environment unless we are good internationalists and that means being good Europeans too.

 

That means I can get to trot around the world like Tony did.

At all times we will stand up for the British national interest.

 

Until I have sold it to Europe.

And I accept my responsibility to write in detail into the amended European Treaty the red lines we have negotiated for Britain.

 

What the hell, they’re only for show anyway, these prols will never get to vote on it.

And whether it’s environmental, economic or security cooperation, we will hold fast to the partnerships with our closest ally America, our membership of the European Union, the Commonwealth and our commitment to the United Nations.

You know, there is a golden thread of common humanity that across nations and faiths binds us together and it can light the darkest corners of the world. And the message should go out to anyone facing persecution anywhere from Burma to Zimbabwe: human rights are universal and no injustice can last forever.

 

Hope those Libertarians don’t get their show on the road before we finished or we’re toast.

People will look back on events in Darfur as they did in Rwanda and say why did you the most powerful countries in the world fail to act, to come to the aid of those with the least power?

Who can fail to be moved by the mother in Darfur who saved her two youngest children from militias and hid them away? She rushed back to her village to find her husband and older son murdered - and then was repeatedly raped by the Janjawid.

All for being a member of the wrong tribe, all for acting upon that shared human impulse to protect her own children.

Her story touches our deepest conscience and summons us to act. In my first weeks I went to the United Nations where we fought for and secured a clear and unequivocal UN-resolution. We have sent a message directly to the government of Sudan: make progress or face tougher new sanctions. And we will not rest until there is an end to the aerial bombings, a ceasefire, a lasting political settlement and justice for the women and children of Darfur.

 

I know, we’ve waited for 10 years, a few more years wont matter, then its Europe’s problem, but I will look good ‘because I tried’.

One of the great challenges we now face is to work for peace and security in the Middle East. Tony Blair - for thirteen years the Leader of our Party - is now leading in the middle east peace effort and let me here acknowledge the contribution he is making now and the debt we owe as a party and as a country to Tony Blair.

 

Numpty, who does he think he is. Cant he just fade away like John Major did.

And as the Northern Ireland Assembly meets, thanks also to the work of Tony Blair, let us celebrate that Northern Ireland is now building prosperity because it is now enjoying peace.

 

And it looks like the EU and Ireland are taking the problem off my hands altogether.

And working internationally for understanding and reconciliation across borders, Neil Kinnock, here with us today, is chairing the British Council and let me also acknowledge the debt of gratitude we in this party owe to him.

 

Don’t mention his directorship of the voting machines company.

Because we will do our duty and discharge our obligations, we will work in Iraq and Afghanistan for three objectives: security, political reconciliation and economic reconstruction, and at all times we will do everything to ensure the security of our dedicated armed forces.

 

Been there, done that. Just need to keep the troops out of Britain for a while longer then they wont be able to organise a coup.

Let me say: there should be no safe haven, no hiding place anywhere in the world for Al Qaida and terrorism.

 

If only they knew we made most of it up.

To prevail in this struggle will require more than military force and we will work with our allies to isolate extremism and win the battle of hearts and minds.

I tell you today: there is a global poverty emergency.

Today 80 million children do not go to school. I want us, inspired by Nelson Mandela’s lead to take a campaign to every corner of the world - so that we will be the first generation to ensure every child in every country in every continent has the right to go to school.

 

Think of the children. This one always gets them going. This is so easy….

Every year 10 million die from diseases we could have the medicine and science to prevent and cure. If in the 20th century human ingenuity could put a man on the face of the moon, then surely in this 21st century human compassion can lift the pain from the face of a suffering child. So let us be the first generation to ensure that every infant child and mother is protected against, and that we eliminate, the scourges of tuberculosis, polio, diphtheria, malaria - and HIV/aids.

 

Hope no one mentions that charity starts at home, I’ve got away with under-funding the English NHS so far.

For sixty years Britain has shown the way to health care not as a privilege to be paid for but as a fundamental human right.

Better than any other endeavour the NHS expresses our mutual obligation to each other: because all of us need help some of the time, it is the best insurance policy in the world.

 

Unless your English, cant let the English have the special lifesaving drugs and treatments, there wouldn’t be enough to go around in Scotland otherwise.

I’ve been round the country and I’ve been visiting hospitals, GP surgeries, health centres.

And been drawing up new lists of which ones to close down.

I have listened to and I have heard the British people.

 

And decided to ignore them.

They know when they have a medical emergency the NHS is there for them and at its best. They tell me of their huge admiration for our doctors, our nurses and our NHS staff - and we do not thank them enough, and we should do so now.

 

But somehow I just cant bring myself to pay them any more money, those new databases are costing me a fortune.

I know too there are real concerns about basic things that need to change: getting in to see your GP when you need to; being confident the ward in your hospital will be clean; and at every stage being treated as an individual with respect.

So yes there is work to do.

But let us be clear: the British people do not want to remove the NHS bit by bit; they want to improve the NHS year by year.

 

But that sure as hell aint what they gonna get. Its slowly but surely being transformed into the European model.

And why shouldn’t all British people and not just some be able to see their Doctor at the time they want, at the hospital or clinic they want - not at a time someone else wants.

 

Because we fooled all them doctors into taking the new contracts, and now we can build up public opinion against them, then we can offer them European contracts.

So let me set out how we take the NHS into a new era.

Our great achievement of the 1940s was a service universal to all. In 2007 we need a service that is accessible to all and personal to all.

Our great ambition now: a National Health Service that is also a personal health service.

Kerching. We are already writing the government sponsored health insurance plans.

And we now have to make big practical changes to set a new standard of service.

MRSA and C-Difficile are this century’s hospital diseases which every modern country is now having to root out.

And to make sure every hospital is clean and safe, following best practice around the world, there will be new funds direct to every hospital for a deep clean of our wards.

 

I’ve already given them extra money, and taken it back, and announced it twice before. This is so easy.

We will more than double the number of hospital matrons to 5,000. We will give matrons and ward sisters in all 10,000 wards the powers to report cleaning contractors and safety concerns directly to hospital boards and a stronger health care commission.

And I can announce that matrons will have the power to order additional cleaning and send out a message - meet the highest standards of cleanliness or lose your contract.

 

They can actually do that already, but its worth making it sound like something new. Oh the cudos. Keep that applause coming.

I want an NHS: personal to you because you are seen by a consultant in a matter of days, not months; personal to you because there is a right to be given x-ray results quickly and time to discuss your treatment; personal to you because we know that being unwell is not just a nine to five problem.

And so we will make GP hours more friendly to families, open up opportunities to see a GP near your place of work as well as your home, expand walk in centres, medical services at pharmacies and ensure a better service from NHS Direct.

I announced this one back in 2000, and 2005 and they lapping it up like its brand new policy. Like puppies in a basket.

I know the most worrying time for women is whenever breast cancer is suspected. That’s when you need an NHS personal to you.

On best medical advice, we will now extend the ages for breast cancer screening by six years, treat every suspected breast cancer as urgent and guarantee your consultant can fast track you.

And we will also extend colon cancer screening right up the age scale into your seventies.

I can also say that, following the review by Professor Darzi, my aim for the next stage of an NHS personal to you: for every adult a regular check up on the NHS.

 

The Well Man and Well Woman clinics have been operating for years, people have just forgotten about it.

In July I met Liam Fairhurst, a twelve year old boy who won the Diana Princess of Wales medal for raising money for cancer and leukaemia research. And he was raising money in memory of a childhood friend who died from cancer even as he himself is fighting the disease.

And I believe this too is a mission for our generation.

Over the next ten years: I am proud to announce that through the medical research council and the NHS together, Britain will invest more than ever before - £15 billion of public money - financing the genius of British researchers and doctors as they convert breakthroughs in genetics, stem cell research and new drugs into cures and vaccines to combat cancer and the deadliest of diseases.

My vision of the NHS – an NHS that is both pioneering new cures and personal to you.

 

Crikey, they really are a gullible lot. Nothing new here at all, just repackaged promises which are not going to happen.

And why do I believe so strongly in the NHS?

When I was at school it was football, rugby, running, sports: these were what I did all the time and so I was fitter then.

But when I was sixteen, when I was playing for my school rugby team against our former pupils, someone accidentally kicked me near my eyes. And from the age of 16 to 21, I spent a lot of time in hospital as the NHS worked to save my sight.

I learned that with a simple twist of fate life can change.

It was the skills of a surgeon, the care of wonderful nurses, the attention and yes, the love and care of the NHS staff that managed to save one of my eyes.

And it is because of the NHS that I can see the words I read today.

 

Good job I wasn’t living in England or I’d be like Blunkett.

The experiences we live through shape the way we think of the world. Experiences like these have made me the person I am.

 

They haven’t seen the real me yet. If only they knew whats to come.

Sometimes people say I am too serious and I fight too hard and maybe that’s true.

But these experiences taught me what families all across Britain know: that things don’t always come easy and there are things worth fighting for.

 

Must keep the troops out of the country a little while longer.

Like so many people across this country I have the best of reasons to believe in the life-saving power of the NHS - and the liberating power of education - and for making them both the best they can be.

So this is my pledge to the British people:

I will not let you down.

I will stand up for our schools and our hospitals.

I will stand up for British values.

I will stand up for a strong Britain.

And I will always stand up for you.

 

I will keep repeating this lie until you have all been sold to Europe.

 

The idology might be different, but the methods are the same.

 

NuLab - Destroying Britain from the inside out.